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Hashtags and Novelists.

Trying to find fulfillment in you is like trying to find dry fish in the ocean, it’s not possible

I keep telling myself that I’ll get this same feeling with a human being, this feeling that I get when I write these words, or any words, this feeling of bringing something into existence by the manifestation of feelings, in words 

But you are not like these words, you could never be a soliloquy or monologue for me, you’re more of a trendy rap song that I’m singing when it’s no longer a trend

You were my Snapchat, my hashtag, for a while but I don’t know why I thought that was for me, I was made for people who are novels in themselves, soliloquies, 8000 page novels that are long not because of the story but because of the depth of telling that story,

I was not made for you, nor you for me, and that’s okay…

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I wanted to paint my canvas but I realized that I’m art all by myself.

She loved classical music, but not always the Beethoven type… Luther Vandross and Anita Baker left her in a trance, and Regina Belle sang to her soul Rebecca Furguson was always her therapy, but Hillsong didn’t just appeal to her senses, it fed her soul, reminded her of true love, that God love. 

Love notes to my adversary…

Just because you put milk in your coffee, doesn’t mean it’s not black,

Just because after days of sitting indoors the pigment of my skin goes a bit lighter, it doesn’t make me less black than you,

Just because I speak the language of your oppressor and wear the fashions of your allies it doesn’t make me confused 

You heard me play the Mbira and saw the the tune of that Congolese song sneak into the crevices of that sleep deprived look on my face, and leave a smile in its place. Then when I told you I liked that Taylor Swift song you, again questioned my “blackness” but you see, that’s the thing, my identity was never supposed to be a question.

You made it one.

Life & Loss

I’m sure we all know what it’s like when someone close to us tells us that someone they know and love passed away. Sometimes we feel genuinely sorry for their loss because we perhaps also knew the person and even if we didn’t, it’s human nature to sympathise. I mean how would you feel if you told someone that you heard that someone you used to know a long time ago passed away and all they said was, “Oh well, you weren’t close to that person anyway.” Even if you weren’t wouldn’t it make you feel sad? I know there are times when I truly haven’t felt anything when I was told that someone I didn’t really know passed away, I mean I was sympathetic, but I wasn’t sad, because I didn’t know them..

That’s until now. Even the slightest thought that someone almost died or was in a life threatening situation makes me anxious, sometimes even frantically tearful. See we’ve all suffered the loss of someone we knew but when people die that we’re your close family, its tough. Over the past 2 years I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, amoung these people 4 were family and two of them passed on within the passed 6 months. The impact of all these losses was only felt recently, a month ago when my Uncle passed on. That’s when it hit home, my Uncle, who was like a second father to me was gone, when I found out I felt a rush of emotions that I couldn’t even name. Now every time I think of it I think “Well it could have been my Dad or Mom or my Brothers.” I don’t know if you’ve lost family members and friends within a short space of time but its taught me so much. Firstly, that the phrase “Life is Short” should be taken more seriously. It taught me that this life, your life, is the only chance you get to love the people in your life. Once they are gone, that’s it. Just let that sink in.

It also started to make me fearful of death and made me want to delve deeper into my faith. Death now just makes me so sad. I was watching a reality show yesterday and one of the people in the show went through a near death traumatic experience, every time she said what happened I just couldn’t stop crying. I’m not big on tears, whenever I want to let things out the tears are never there but of late I almost can’t control it. Basically, all I’m saying is that if you’re alive, this is your chance to live, don’t let circumstance of short comings steal the fire in you that makes you feel alive. I say that because I know a lot of people are living dead lives, just going through the motions. I know life is tough sometimes but don’t let your chance to live go to waste. LIVE !

On Thought

She was all complexity,
All at once
At first glance, the intricacies
The depths of existence
Seemed obvious

The clean cut lines
The black and white was never where she dwelt
She found comfort in shadows
In the grey areas of some people’s uncertainty
Was where she found assurance
Assurance of sanctity
Sanity

It is such a morbid thing, isn’t it?
To believe that our comfort will lay in the rare normalcy
I’d rather be crazy
I’d rather be all of it all at once
I’d rather be me.

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The Phases of a Lover

Smooth winds whispered tones
Cool breeze happy souls

This is peace.

Rain, raindrops that congregate into a sign of an answered prayer
It’s in the whispered words uttered by a glance or a lengthened silence

That is love.

Disappointment, shattered expectations
Well meant emotion that turns into naivety in the eyes of a former lover

This is heartbreak

Resentment, happening slowly then all at once
In a state of denial whilst convincing yourself you’re over it
The memories of what was floods you with regret
And you realise you can’t swim.

That, a phase of disappointment.

Mindless wondering, soul searching.
Forgetting the shadows of old and stepping out a new creation
Self love, self appreciation

That, bliss.

Family dinners, friendly laughter
Not asking for too much
Knowing that you are enough
And then, right there in plain sight

Joy

Repeat

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Candles In The Sun

There they are,

Smooth hair, butter skin, light laughs
There they are
The ones we all wanna meet- wanna be
There they are,
The cool enough to be hot
The now, the hip
They shine so bright, any surrounding star is dimmed
They are all you see

There they are
Matted, rough edges, uptight
Not a sound of joy
There they are,the laid back,too clever to be cool
They shine so dim

There they are
Clean shaven,muscular, popular
Every lady at their disposal
Haughty laughs, dark eyes
They’re too cool to be hot
They shine so loud and dim so much

They all are, candles in the sun
Some lit, some not
When their flames burn
The Bright shine out the Sun
The shining dim hide under the shade
Too afraid
The dim, shining loud, shine only when together
When not…the Sun and Wind blow them outout

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The Wrong Side

From the back of the sea I see me,
Tall and slack in all my poor glory
I see the horizon, without the light
Without the sunset, radiant hues of red and purple shining bright
I see it as I ought not
From the back where I stand in the light, not feeling it
Dios ayudar, God help me
What have I become, an alien or perhaps a nomad
Wondering where I ought not
Daring to abide in the sunset
Taking for granted the front side of which im meant
To be…
But why? To be safe?
Alas no, I have traded common pleasures for rare obscurities
Like the meaninglessness of these words
These characters of prominence are no longer eminent
And, as I see myself from the back of the sea,
I am no longer, what I wanted to be

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