I know of my beauty but

I can’t help but acknowledge my ugly

It’s like a disease, you know…

The way we were taught that beauty was anything other than what we are
That beauty couldn’t be color
That good meant light
That calling dark, beautiful is simply something people say to sound artistic
Or to fulfill their “empowerment” quota
I am nuance
I am the shaky balance between love and delicate (self hate)
When you see me it should be clear what the fight for self looks like

I am duality, in a world where what is dark has to be controlled and palatable

The darker you are, the more polite you should be

Loud uncontrolled laughter from fair skinned women is called expressive

The Nubian girl is called ghetto for doing the same

But the Nubian girl managed to free herself

She is both loud and composed

And her dark brick exterior houses her sensual lace with ease

She isn’t just surviving, she’s alive

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Life & Loss

I’m sure we all know what it’s like when someone close to us tells us that someone they know and love passed away. Sometimes we feel genuinely sorry for their loss because we perhaps also knew the person and even if we didn’t, it’s human nature to sympathise. I mean how would you feel if you told someone that you heard that someone you used to know a long time ago passed away and all they said was, “Oh well, you weren’t close to that person anyway.” Even if you weren’t wouldn’t it make you feel sad? I know there are times when I truly haven’t felt anything when I was told that someone I didn’t really know passed away, I mean I was sympathetic, but I wasn’t sad, because I didn’t know them..

That’s until now. Even the slightest thought that someone almost died or was in a life threatening situation makes me anxious, sometimes even frantically tearful. See we’ve all suffered the loss of someone we knew but when people die that we’re your close family, its tough. Over the past 2 years I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, amoung these people 4 were family and two of them passed on within the passed 6 months. The impact of all these losses was only felt recently, a month ago when my Uncle passed on. That’s when it hit home, my Uncle, who was like a second father to me was gone, when I found out I felt a rush of emotions that I couldn’t even name. Now every time I think of it I think “Well it could have been my Dad or Mom or my Brothers.” I don’t know if you’ve lost family members and friends within a short space of time but its taught me so much. Firstly, that the phrase “Life is Short” should be taken more seriously. It taught me that this life, your life, is the only chance you get to love the people in your life. Once they are gone, that’s it. Just let that sink in.

It also started to make me fearful of death and made me want to delve deeper into my faith. Death now just makes me so sad. I was watching a reality show yesterday and one of the people in the show went through a near death traumatic experience, every time she said what happened I just couldn’t stop crying. I’m not big on tears, whenever I want to let things out the tears are never there but of late I almost can’t control it. Basically, all I’m saying is that if you’re alive, this is your chance to live, don’t let circumstance of short comings steal the fire in you that makes you feel alive. I say that because I know a lot of people are living dead lives, just going through the motions. I know life is tough sometimes but don’t let your chance to live go to waste. LIVE !

On Thought

She was all complexity,
All at once
At first glance, the intricacies
The depths of existence
Seemed obvious

The clean cut lines
The black and white was never where she dwelt
She found comfort in shadows
In the grey areas of some people’s uncertainty
Was where she found assurance
Assurance of sanctity

It is such a morbid thing, isn’t it?
To believe that our comfort will lay in the rare normalcy
I’d rather be crazy
I’d rather be all of it all at once
I’d rather be me.

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The Phases of a Lover

Smooth winds whispered tones
Cool breeze happy souls

This is peace.

Rain, raindrops that congregate into a sign of an answered prayer
It’s in the whispered words uttered by a glance or a lengthened silence

That is love.

Disappointment, shattered expectations
Well meant emotion that turns into naivety in the eyes of a former lover

This is heartbreak

Resentment, happening slowly then all at once
In a state of denial whilst convincing yourself you’re over it
The memories of what was floods you with regret
And you realise you can’t swim.

That, a phase of disappointment.

Mindless wondering, soul searching.
Forgetting the shadows of old and stepping out a new creation
Self love, self appreciation

That, bliss.

Family dinners, friendly laughter
Not asking for too much
Knowing that you are enough
And then, right there in plain sight



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Candles In The Sun

There they are,

Smooth hair, butter skin, light laughs
There they are
The ones we all wanna meet- wanna be
There they are,
The cool enough to be hot
The now, the hip
They shine so bright, any surrounding star is dimmed
They are all you see

There they are
Matted, rough edges, uptight
Not a sound of joy
There they are,the laid back,too clever to be cool
They shine so dim

There they are
Clean shaven,muscular, popular
Every lady at their disposal
Haughty laughs, dark eyes
They’re too cool to be hot
They shine so loud and dim so much

They all are, candles in the sun
Some lit, some not
When their flames burn
The Bright shine out the Sun
The shining dim hide under the shade
Too afraid
The dim, shining loud, shine only when together
When not…the Sun and Wind blow them outout

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The Wrong Side

From the back of the sea I see me,
Tall and slack in all my poor glory
I see the horizon, without the light
Without the sunset, radiant hues of red and purple shining bright
I see it as I ought not
From the back where I stand in the light, not feeling it
Dios ayudar, God help me
What have I become, an alien or perhaps a nomad
Wondering where I ought not
Daring to abide in the sunset
Taking for granted the front side of which im meant
To be…
But why? To be safe?
Alas no, I have traded common pleasures for rare obscurities
Like the meaninglessness of these words
These characters of prominence are no longer eminent
And, as I see myself from the back of the sea,
I am no longer, what I wanted to be

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